the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize