I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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