I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Lets go hit some boners bro!
I appreciate the acceptance and inclusion, but that's not how we gay men talk.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
