Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
