After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
