if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
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