i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
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