i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
