All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
