First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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