I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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