Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Randomize
