oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
