I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
