So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
