I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
