none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
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