You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Randomize
