shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
