im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
