see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
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