So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Randomize
