Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
All the doctor said was why
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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