You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
