HIV tests are more positive than that guy
I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
