My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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