Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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