I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Randomize
