I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
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