I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
