Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
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