I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
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