So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
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