Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize