the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
