Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Randomize
