my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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