so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
