I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Randomize
