oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Randomize
