Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Randomize
