last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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