I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I just heard a girl say "We can't go that way, it is a one way street." She was on foot...Nothing worse than girl from the midwest that move to NY to "live out their dream" -the dream of living in a rat and roach infested 200sqft for $2k a month, and get fucked by some recent Ithaca college frat grad...
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
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