**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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