Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
