It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
pray to the hookup gods
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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