i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Randomize
