I think I died a long time ago.
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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