i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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