A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
