Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Randomize
