Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
