Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
They are going to name an STD after you.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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