Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
