The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Randomize
