Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
