listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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