I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Randomize
