Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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