Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Randomize